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(To be sung to the tune of "I am the very model of a modern Major General" - Please wait for the tune to load).
<Intro>
<PERSONALITY>
I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.
<ALL>
For cracking his head open after he's been rudely flaming you.
For cracking his head open after he's been rudely flaming you.
For cracking his head open after he's been rudely flaming you.
<PERSONALITY>
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?
<ALL>
If he could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would he still be the loathsome and objectionable punk we hate?
<PERSONALITY>
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see
I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy,
<ALL>
He cannot get his spots to fade, his social life's a tragedy,
He cannot get his spots to fade, his social life's a tragedy,
He cannot get his spots to fade, his social life's a tragedy,
<PERSONALITY>
I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
<ALL>
His learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan his ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
<PERSONALITY>
I've learned to spot a troll and I don't care about the way I spell,
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all Suck!"
I've been flamed by the experts and hit back at them without much luck.
Because I've learned what progress has been made upon the Internet,
I now know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
<ALL>
He's got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
He's got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
He's got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
<PERSONALITY>
But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality,
That's all from me, the model of a Newsgroup personality.
<Outro>
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